I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
