apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
