How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
