One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes