I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
