I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
