I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
