y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
