I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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