When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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