maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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