They should really pass out barf bags in church
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
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God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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