Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
