im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
