We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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