who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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