Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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