He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
