I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
