My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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