so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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