I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
