A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
