I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
