The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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