She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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