What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
