It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
