dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni