I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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