Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
