By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
