every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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