If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
