Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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