So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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