im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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