remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
