I just cut my nipple shaving
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
