Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
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See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is the high leading the old right now
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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