My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
