If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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