when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
