I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
