Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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