I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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