She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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