thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
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Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
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I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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