Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
