even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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