he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
