My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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