I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Shame - the story of my life.
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