just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
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Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
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the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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