the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
